​Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid are practically twins when it comes to being the hottest messes of the early 2000s. But where Reid has deluded herself into thinking people are going to treat her SyFy channel downgrade like it’s in Academy Award contention, Lohan has opted to perpetually tease her career comeback that never seems to happen.

First, there was her press conference during The 2014 Sundance Film Festival in which she announced she would be producing and starring in a film called Inconceivable, which is a title so full of hindsight irony — the film was never made — it’s almost too perfect to believe it’s true. Then, in 2016, we were told by insiders, including Lohan’s father, that her wealthy Russian boyfriend had “strong connections in Russia” and was “very supportive [of her career].” They broke up after Lohan accused him of cheating and allegedly threw his phone in the ocean. Once again, no movie for LiLo.

But Lohan is still plugging away. Though she’s now splitting her time between the Middle East and London—her “friend” actually told People that Lindsay is now “like Paris Hilton” in Dubai—Lohan has actually logged one TV and one film project in 2017, and teased more to come. She’s also campaigned hard for a Mean Girls sequel as well as the lead part in Disney’s live-action The Little Mermaid reboot despite the fact that she’s 31 as of this writing, and Ariel was a teenager in that movie. And look, we’re definitely not rooting against her here. If she can pull off a comeback, awesome. But it’s not going to be as a Disney princess who also apparently discovered the joys of chain-smoking along with having legs.

Danny Bonaduce

By his own admission, Danny Bonaduce’s career went basically nowhere after The Partridge Family. In his autobiography, Random Acts of Badness: My Story, he calculates that between the years of 1974 and 1988, he only worked for a total of 20 weeks. Then he got into radio, and eventually became a reality TV mainstay after Breaking Bonaduce, the show that actually followed the collapse of his marriage, his drug relapse, and even a suicide attempt. This guy literally had to almost die on TV for people to care about what he’s doing, and even then he only remained marginally famous afterwards.

As of this writing, he’s a wacky AM drive time DJ for a radio station in Seattle, and he’s been popping up all over the media to first stick his nose into former co-star David Cassidy’s struggle with dementia, and then to make some seemingly unnecessary claims about him after he died in November 2017. Bonaduce claims he and Cassidy were great friends ever since The Partridge Family ended, and yet, he had no clue that Cassidy was struggling with the mental disorder. On a particularly questionable Access Hollywood appearance, Bonaduce supposedly reacts for the first time to seeing clips of Cassidy having trouble recalling words to his most famous song.

Then, after Cassidy passed away, Bonaduce penned a guest column for The Hollywood Reporter in which he basically says Cassidy died disappointed with his life. Honestly, would a good friend have done either of those things? And that might sound harsh, but remember, we’re talking about a guy who calls himself @TheDoochMan on Twitter, and whose official website makes sure to let everyone know when his name is mentioned on real TV shows. The thirst is real.